First off, let me start by saying I love my husband and I love my kids, and I genuinely do love taking care of them. I try to do everything I can to ensure that our days go as smooth as possible, contemplating any issue that may arise. I love the hugs, the kisses, the thank yous, the laughs and the I love yous…AND there are just some moments that I want to be ME.
I want to be Selena, the woman…not wifey, not baby, not hey sexy, not mommy, not mama.
I spend so much time thinking about what are we going to eat for dinner, do I need to do the laundry, did I forget about the laundry (after it’s in the machine), how are we on groceries, what does our bank account look like, did I pay all the bills, it’s time to clean the floors again, do I need to pump (I’m currently breastfeeding my baby), have I pumped enough milk for tomorrow, is my husband happy, do I need to do something to make him happy (yes, you know what I mean), why is the baby crying…and the list goes on and on.
Rarely do I get a chance to just sit and be me, to not think about any of the above mentioned responsibilities and more, and usually when I do it’s time for bed. So I am faced with the choice of whether to enjoy time to myself or try to get some sleep. Sleep usually wins out…remember I have a 10-month-old baby, and most babies hate when mommy sleeps. So I have to take advantage of sleep every opportunity I get.
All of this begs the question…is it ok to admit that sometimes I just want to be me?
I got to thinking on this one Tuesday night, after a day at my 8-5 job, then seeing an acupuncture patient at my office, spending time with the kids, and fixing dinner, I decided to get a workout in. Lately, I have been neglecting myself and I don’t like the way I feel, how I look, or the number on the scale, so I committed to start working out. After my workout, all I wanted to do was get in the shower. As I made my way to the bathroom, my son stopped me to ask for his Bible from his bedroom, ok, I’ll make a pit stop…after that I make my way towards the closet to take off my workout clothes and my husband stops me to flirt. I’ll admit, I wasn’t very receptive but I wasn’t rude…I just kind of brushed him off, to which I was accused of being in a bad mood.
But I wasn’t in a bad mood…I actually had a great day. There were only two cars in the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru that morning so I was able to snag a coffee and not be late for work, work was pretty low maintenance that, my sister-in-law came and had lunch with me so I didn’t eat alone that day, my acupuncture patient said the treatment was helping her pain and she wanted to come in more frequently, dinner was relatively easy to get on the table, and I had fulfilled my commitment of working out for the second day in a row. Overall, I had a good day.
The truth was I just wanted to be me! I just wanted to get done with my workout, take off my clothes, and take a shower. I didn’t want to worry about what the kids needed (although I did go get Brantley’s Bible), I didn’t want to have to rush into Payton’s room to give her her pacifier that fell out so she would go back to sleep, and I didn’t want to flirt with my husband.
Of course, after being falsely accused of being in a bad mood, my response to my husband was a little…dramatic. I believe the words I used were, “Everything is not always about you, and sometimes I don’t want to be bothered by a husband, or a little boy, or a little girl.”
In hindsight, maybe I was a little too harsh. Maybe I could’ve gotten my point across better with a more gentle approach. But I’m human! I make mistakes! All the time, as a matter-of-fact.
I immediately felt guilt, not only for what I had just said, but also the fact that I even felt that way. I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, and I didn’t mean that I didn’t want to flirt…I just didn’t want to flirt right then. I just wanted to be me, Selena, the woman who enjoys a hot shower, who loves to read, who loves Fixer Upper, who enjoys listening to music loudly (sometimes to songs that are inappropriate for children’s ears), who loves to write, and playing Candy Crush in all its different varieties.
I’m sure I can’t be alone in this, so should we feel guilty for feeling this way? Is it ok to admit that sometimes we just want to be ourselves?
After much thought on the matter, my answer is a resounding YES, it is more than ok for us to just want to be ourselves. In fact, it’s healthy.
In approximately 18 short years my children will be considered adults…on their way to college or learning a trade or finding a mate and settling down. Who knows?!? Sky is the limit. The point is, they won’t be with me forever. While this reminds me that I need to savor my time with them, it also reminds me that when they leave I will stay behind. The last thing I want is them leaving the nest and me thinking now what?
I don’t want to spend my empty nest years trying to “find myself.” I want to know who I am and celebrate it to its fullest! I want to shed a few tears that I am releasing my children into the world and then I want to turn around and start a book club, walk around the house naked, listen to my music loudly, buy a two door sports car, turn their bedroom into a beautiful guest room, and go on a romantic getaway with my husband. And it doesn’t end there.
It is my strong belief that God did not create me as an individual only to turn into a zombie of a wife and mother…and he didn’t intend that for you either. So mommies praise your God, love your husband, and take care of your kids…but don’t forget it’s ok to be YOU!